What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 18.06.2025 11:37
I will be 64.
But, we were locked up after school.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
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And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My family never makes their pension either.
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Ive learnt so much.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
How did you react when your doctor ordered a colonoscopy?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was scared of men, in general
When she asked me how she looked .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
How do you handle family members who ask for handouts?
Would this be the day?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
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He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Comes on , in middle age.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Especially a lifetime of it.
I write beautiful poetry .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I never cut or harmed myself..
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
We were not on the streets..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
She loved him until the end.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
This is soul school!.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She found it foreign!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
Im still living with it.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I said to her
And who doesn’t know suffering?
He resisted the act ,that day.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As i do to all so called friends.?
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
We all went to grammer schools
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Put me off passion for life!!
My life is so biszare .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
She was in good health!
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I was very sick at this time too.
She married twice! .
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Why did i forgive my father ?
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
All the time i was locked up.
Was to survive, this bastard.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He knew the spot.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
So, i spoilt her more .
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I don,t even have a pension.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I have no regrets .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
She wouldn,t have been !
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
It was going to be , some day.
So whats the point in blame.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I could never make a relationship work though!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
One cannot live in the past .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was 9 years of age.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I think the readers, may guess!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
What did i know ?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I waited trembling.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was seconnd youngest,
And i lived it daily.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.